No Hair, Don't Care

So, as many of you know I made the plunge and shaved my head last night. I did so not because I had hardly any hair left but because I was starting to lose big patches and it was affecting me mentally. Every morning I would wake up to another clump on my pillow. I'd brush my hair and there would go another. I would showers and there went some more. Hair was decorating every room I entered. It was clogging my drains and covering my apartment.  If I brushed my hair just right you still couldn't tell because, as many of you know I had a ridiculous amount of hair to loose before I went bald even if I was losing clumps. But, if the wind blew or I flipped wrong I had huge bald spots running down  either sides of my head and one large one in the back of my head. Yes I probably could have held onto it longer. Changed my part a million and one times and maybe I wouldn't have even have lost it all, not everyone does.... But that wasn't the point. The point was, every time I lost a chunk I was reminded I was sick. I was reminded I was losing my one most complimented physical attribute.

My boss had some of her employes in town , one of whom is recovering from breast cancer. We were introduced and started talking. She told me about when she was losing her hair and how hard it was. How after she shaved it she felt so free. Like me, she did not wait for it all to fall out. She took matters into her own hands. The way she shared how it made her feel reaffirmed what I already knew. I needed to face this head on. I am not a wait and see kinda girl and this was affecting my emotional state.... my hormone treatments are doing a good enough job of that themselves so I decided I was gonna face this head on... literally.

I sat with Tami Saturday evening and contemplated if it was time. She told me "I can't make this decision for you". That I already knew.... So with a deep breath I let out the phrase "It's just hair!... right?" She looked back at me and with a smile said "Yup, it is just hair." And in that moment I decided to go for it! Put some makeup on and set up the video camera (I may or may not be uploading that video at some point).

I blasted my "fight like a girl" playlist and off we went... it went... My hair went of and around and down into every crack, crevasse, and crease in the vicinity. Tami's hands shook as she shaved me bald but her friendship kept me steady. We laughed and joked and cried. I didn't so much cry because of how I look... because, let's not joke, I look kinda badass if I may say so myself . I cried because losing my hair made it all so real. It hit me with what this all means for my future near and far. The opportunities these challenges will bring and take away. And not just for me... this made it real for everyone else. This invisible illness that has haunted me so long was now visible. This was both saddening and empowering and overwhelming all in an instant. So I cried for a moment and then I took a breath and pushed on.

The next thing I did was video chat with my family who were all supportive but more or less speechless at the occurrence of what had just happened. I posted on facebook and had no idea the response I would get. I posted to my wall and to an endometriosis support group. In less than 24 hours I had 1020 likes and 223 comments. 4 people private messaged me to tell me I was an inspiration, two people told me they think they have endo and didn't know until reading my story and now have Dr. appts or are looking for a Dr. to help them. 8 friend requests from people asking if they can follow my story to give them hope. I have had more people tell me I am brave and beautiful in one day then probably ever have or ever will again. I sit here in tears from the outpouring of support and love. To think I thought hair was such a powerful attribute of mine only to find that without it God is working in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and baffled at this response for I am really not too brave or all that strong. You can ask the ones closest to me... I am actually quite a wreck about 90% of the time, flying through life by the seat of my pants!

Somehow and for some reason God is using me in ways I never imagined. He is giving me the strength, that I could not have on my own, to see the blessings in my life through the struggles. To see the opportunities through the pain. Yesterday I lost my hair. I have a life long disease. I am going through treatments whos list of common symptoms alone could make you sick. But sitting here... my joints are aching, my stomach turning, but my heart is still. All I can think to myself is a phrase written by a man who truly is an inspiration. A man who had a son die of pneumonia, 4 daughters die in a shipwreck,  and who lost his business in a fire all in the same year. This man's name was Horatio G. Spafford and some of you may know his work. It goes a little like this...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul 

I do not deserve half the compliments I have received in the last 24 hours. But if I honestly have inspired one person to keep fighting, if I have helped one person find their diagnosis, if I have lead one person to realize they are more than what they see in the mirror, or if I have helped one person find peace through their suffering... Well then God has made all this pain and these struggles worth it and it is well with my soul.

I won't stop here. I will keep sharing and educating in hopes to make a bigger difference in the lives of others. I will keep praying and keep fighting. Endo wont stop here so neither will I.

I also wanted to put something out there... I started losing my hair from the ad back hormonal therapy for my endometriosis before the chemo agent even started to kick in. Cancer sucks but mine luckily was caught early. Cancer was/is a blip. It will be here and, fingers crossed it will be gone again in no time flat. People see no hair and they think cancer. Cancer has so much power behind its name because people know what it is and what it's treatments do to your body. One of my goals to help get that understanding about endo as well. The list of symptoms caused by my endo treatments are longer than the list of symptoms caused by the cancer treatments. Cancer is no small thing. And I am not on some of the cancer "big gun chemos". I am not trying to be little cancer at all. But what I am saying is that endo is also a big thing and it is a lifelong thing. So when you see bald don't always think cancer cause there are a lot of strong women in my support group who lost their hair and struggle every day with "just" endo as well... and that is no small thing...